Hollywood’s track record of making retro cartoons into good/decent movies hasn’t been stellar. Even before the live-action versions of Transformers and GI Joe were released, Hollywood has been crapping on our childhoods and churning out turd after turd. Right off the bat, I can name a dozen or so awful big-budget film adaptions without even doing any research.
It’s easy! Watch… Dragonball: Evolution. Scooby-Doo. Fat Albert. The Smurfs. Inspector Gadget. Masters of the Universe. Underdog. Yogi Bear. Garfield. Alvin and the Chipmunks. Rocky and Bullwinkle. The Last Airbender. See? It’s that easy! And I’m not even mentioning any of the older movies based on comics! Like Catwoman… God, what an awful movie.
I’m kind of tired of Hollywood crapping on beloved cartoons. So, instead of making a list of cartoons that they shouldn’t touch (which I’ve done before), this list is actually a few cartoons I think Hollywood can have a go at! I mean, it’s not like anyone’s going to complain. I certainly am not going to!
1) Captain Planet and The Planeteers
Go Planet! Go far, far away, Planet!
The show had really good intentions. A superhero based on the four primal elements… and the heart of a champion, Captain Planet and the Planeteers was the brainchild of Ted Turner. While there isn’t really anything inherently wrong with the premise of ecological superhero, Captain Planet’s execution was just… off. The Planeteers were just too good while the bad guys were just too evil.
However, I gotta hand it to the producers of Captain Planet; they got a lot of A-listers to do the voices for the show! The voice cast includes LeVar Burton, Edward Asner, Jeff Goldblum, Whoopi Goldberg, Meg Ryan, Tim Curry, Sting and Martin Sheen! If they do make a big Hollywood production, I would actually want to see them reprise their roles… that is, if they can get them now.
2) Beverly Hills Teens
Imagine Josie and the Pussycats or Archie… but everyone was as rich as Veronica Lodge. That’s Beverly Hills Teens.
I’m not sure if Beverly Hills Teens was a hit when it was shown in the late 80’s but it did have a run of 65 episodes and that’s nothing to sneeze at. The show is an incredibly childish take on teen soap operas with the teens having romantic problems and such. Besides the main “villains,” Pierce Thorndyke III and Bianca Dupree, who are out to break up Larke and Troy (See? Soap opera for kids!), everyone is incredibly wholesome… and very stereotypical!
Actually, I can sort of imagine Hollywood making a live-action feature film of this. Making a live-action Beverly Hills Teens script should be easy because the stories are incredibly bland anyway. And getting beautiful people to play teenagers should be a cinch! It’s going to be terrible… but so was the show.
3) Denver, The Last Dinosaur
Wish he was extinct.
Okay, the intro song is incredibly catchy but that’s the only thing nice I can say about Denver, The Last Dinosaur. The timing of Denver, The Last Dinosaur was actually brilliant as a lot of people were experiencing “dinosaur fever” due to The Land Before Time. However, once everyone got inoculated and became immune to “dinosaur fever,” most viewers saw it for the pile of boring it was.
You know what? I wouldn’t be surprised if, around the same time the second Jurassic World is announced, they announce the new live-action Denver, The Last Dinosaur film. You heard it here first!
Speaking of crappy dinosaur cartoons…
In all honesty, the premise behind Dinosaucers should’ve made an awesome cartoon: sentient dinosaurs from the planet Reptilon travel to Earth to continue their war. On Earth, the friendly Dinosaucers befriend four teens to help them against their battle against the evil Tyrannos. Essentially, it’s Transformers with dinosaurs!
Well, while the idea is cool, Dinosaucers isn’t. Everything is incredibly childish as if they were trying to shy away from showing violence and mayhem. Essentially, it’s Transformers with dinosaurs and without the fun. Without the fun, huh? I guess Hollywood could make a spot-on live action adaptation of Dinosaurcers!
5) Bionic Six
It’s like ripping off The Six Million Dollar Man six times!
In all seriousness, I do believe the people behind Bionic Six had their heart in the right place. The show was about a family who were given advanced bionics and they use their new found abilities to take on Dr. Scarab and his minions. Each member of Bionic Six have their own special abilities, such as super-strength and super-intelligence for IQ, super-speed for Rock-1 and super-karate abilities for Karate-1. For a cartoon that was developed in the late 80’s, Bionic Six features an incredibly diverse cast of characters.
While there was nothing really inherently wrong with Bionic Six, there wasn’t anything about the show that made it particularly memorable. It just felt really bland. The action was okay but not great. The characters did feel different but not exceptional. So, if Hollywood would like a go at making a live-action Bionic Six, I wouldn’t mind… but I wouldn’t really care, either.
BONUS: The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest
Apparently, the adventures Jonny Quest had in the 1960’s were the “fake” ones.
Now, The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest is totally not a bad cartoon. I wasn’t a huge fan of the first season of the show because of the “QuestWorld” gimmick. These virtual reality 3D animated segments were just ugly, even for its time! However, the adventures that didn’t focus on it were really, really good.
I actually think a live-action movie based on The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest would work. All they would need is to get a bunch of writers of the original show and ditch QuestWorld and they would have a pretty awesome film! No fooling!
What are some nostalgia properties you would be fine with Hollywood taking a crap all over? Let me know what they are in the comments section below.