A Form Letter For the Console Flame Wars

By the end of this year, we will be getting the next generation of video game systems. Sony will be bringing out the PlayStation 5 and Microsoft will be making the Xbox Series X available to the public. It looks like Nintendo will not be joining this generation of console wars just yet. However, with battle lines being drawn and gamers starting to take sides to proclaim which is the better system: PlayStation 5 or the Xbox Series X.

Well, if you’re one of those fanboys who is just too plain lazy to put together the necessary words and phrases to properly articulate why your chosen system is the better one and the other one isn’t, I’ve decided to put together a form letter that you can use. As someone who’s been reading through a lot of flame wars over the years, I think I’ve gotten the hang of what are the needed components to properly express your feelings.

In order to complete the form below, all you have to do is replace the highlighted areas with the descriptions noted. Oh, and it also helps to use all capital letters just to let everyone know how serious you are.


Hey all you [Negative Term for Low Intelligence] [Name Of Rival Game Console Maker] fanboys out there! Why don’t you just give up, you [Racial, Sexist or Homophobic Slur, Plural Form]?

We all know that [Name Of Chosen Game Console Maker] is the best in gaming and their [Name of Chosen Game Console] is going to blow the competition and the [Name of Rival Game Console] out of teh (Note: the misspelling of “the” here is intentional as to show how emotionally invested you are) water! So you just better give up!

Cut out the image of your hated system and put a big X over it.

Right out of the box, your system looks [Negative Term for Something Not Aesthetically Appealing]! I mean, what it’s supposed to be? It doesn’t look like any system before it! I bet the designers over at [Name Of Rival Game Console Maker] were all drunk and the idiots just approved the first thing they submitted! What a bunch of [Negative Term For Worthless Persons] are working there (Note: The grammar here is intentionally wrong to show how right you are)!

Also, you call the [Name of Rival Game Console] next-gen? Ha! That’s weak compared to the [Name of Chosen Game Console]! Who cares if the [Name of Rival Game Console] has [Processor Technical Specifications Of Rival Game Console Which Doesn’t Really Matter] and [Graphical Technical Specification of Rival Game Console Which You, Frankly, Don’t Understand]? That’s weak when compared to the [Name of Chosen Game Console]‘s [Processor Technical Specifications Of Chosen Game Console Which Seems Really High But You’re Not Really Sure] and its [Graphical Technical Specification of Chosen Game Console Which You, Frankly, Still Don’t Understand]!

Also, why did they put [Unnecessary But Cool Feature Rival Game Console Has But Chosen Game Console Doesn’t Have Yet But Will Get In A Future Update] when it has nothing to do with gaming? You see, that’s why [Name Of Chosen Game Console Maker] is so [Positive Term For Showing Great Intelligence]! They didn’t bother to add that “feature” in because it would be a waste of time! Instead, they were [Positive Term For Showing Great Intelligence] (Note: This should be the exact same term as the one before it because repeating the same word shows your conviction on this belief) enough to put [Unnecessary But Cool Feature Chosen Game Console Has But Rival Game Console Doesn’t Have Yet But Will Get In A Future Update] instead! So you [Racial, Sexist or Homophobic Slur, Plural Form] can just suck it!

It’s plain to see that the [Name of Chosen Game Console] has the better games! Just look at teh (Note: the misspelling of “the” here is still intentional in order to show how emotionally charged this letter is) exclusive games we have! We have [Name Of Really Great Video Game Exclusive On Chosen Game Console], [Name Of Really Great Video Game Exclusive On Chosen Game Console That Was Formerly Multiplatform Until Chosen Game Console Maker Got Exclusivity Rights To], [Name of Timed Exclusive Game For Chosen Game Console] and [Name Of Video Game Exclusive On Chosen Game Console That The Trailers Looked Good For But Will Be Disappointing]! Those games are worth the [Price of Chosen Game Console] and you can’t play them on the [Name of Rival Game Console]!

What do you [Racial, Sexist or Homophobic Slur, Plural Form] have on the [Negative And Derogatory Term For Something Of Substandard Quality] [Name of Rival Game Console]? Games like [Name Of Really Great Video Game Exclusive On Rival Game Console That You Want To Play], [Name Of Really Great Video Game Exclusive On Rival Game Console That You Wish Was Still Multiplatform], [Name of Timed Exclusive Game For Rival Game Console] and [Name Of Video Game Exclusive On Rival Game Console That The Trailers Looked Good For But Will Be Disappointing]! I really pity you [Name Of Rival Game Console Maker] fanboys! I wouldn’t play those games even if they did come out on the [Name of Chosen Game Console] since they’re [Synonym For Refuse or Litter] and I would never play them!

So why don’t you [Name Of Rival Game Console Maker] [Racial, Sexist or Homophobic Slur in Plural Form] just admit that the [Name of Rival Game Console] is [Synonym For Excrement] and accept the fact that [Name Of Chosen Game Console Maker]‘s [Name of Chosen Game Console] ROXOR!!!!!!!!!111111 (Note: It is important to always have the word “Roxor” in all capital letters to prove how great and awesome and cool your chosen game console is. Also, you must add as many exclamation points and number 1s at the end to truly accentuate the word “Roxor” and show the gamers who have picked the rival game console how incorrect they were for deciding to like a rival game console.)

Peace out, [Human Genitalia, Plural Form]!

Yours Truly,

[Gamertag That You Thought Was Very Creative But Was Already Taken By Someone Else][A Series of Numbers Added After The Gamertag That You Thought Was Very Creative But Was Already Taken By Someone Else]


There you go! Just make the necessary adjustments. I will try to make a PC Master Race vs. Game Console Peasant form letter sometime in the future.

What do you think of the upcoming next-generation console wars? Do you think it’ll be as heated as previous ones? Let me know in the comments section below!

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