What’s the greatest sin a geeky movie can make? If it’s a sequel or remake, some would remark that it’s just a rehash of the previous film and adds nothing to it. If it’s a film based on a recognized franchise, it’s failing to adapt the source material and take it seriously. Some would even say that it takes the source material too seriously and, because of this change in direction, loses the magic of what made the property a success in the first place.
All of these points are correct. There have been a ton of movies that are based on nostalgic television programs, cartoons and even other movies and Hollywood has tried to capitalize on their popularity over and over again. These are the geek movies that you ultimately refuse to admit actually were shown off to the public. Every geek has a list of films that fall in this category and, for this week, I’ve decided to name just a few of those films who should not be named.
This is not a movie about the Fantastic Four! This is an offshoot bootleg version called Fant4stic!
The strange thing is a good majority of fans agree with me and have started calling it by that name unconsciously! Seriously, just search for “Fant4stic” on Google and you’ll get the exact movie that I’m referring to!
I have had to put up with a lot of awful superhero movies growing up. There was the terrible Captain America film in 1990. Green Lantern in 2011. There was even *shudder* Steel starring Shaquille O’Neil in 1997! But I still had a modicum of enjoyment while watching those movies. At least I could laugh at how bad Steel was! Not with Fant4stic, though.
Fant4stic is a movie that I actively despise. They say that the direct opposite of love is actually apathy. That may be true but this flick is just too terrible for me to not care that I spent money and time seeing this… thing. Thankfully, this movie does not exist and has never existed, right?
Total Recall (2012)
They have never tried to remake Total Recall starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, got it?
Look, I’m not trying to call out Hollywood for remaking old movies. That’s fine and I’m actually in favor of it. But, when they do try to remake/reboot a property, they either have to do something to improve on the original or put a different twist to make it more interesting. How can you do that with a movie as perfect as Total Recall?
The original and only Total Recall is one of the most bombastic movies ever put on film. The action was great. You had cheesy one-liners like “Get your ass to Mars” and “Get ready for a surprise!” You had a lady bear her three breasts on camera. It’s a great film and, if you add the ambiguous question of if Arnold Schwarzenegger is actually still in Rekall and this is just part of his “vacation,” it even becomes a thought provoking movie even if it’s disguised as a dumb action film.
I vaguely remember when this movie was being promoted. My co-worker was super interested in seeing it on the first day. I then commented it’s actually a remake of one of my favorite movies. She then said, “This is a remake?” I think I blacked out for a few seconds after that since I facepalmed myself so hard when I heard her reaction… which may have caused some amnesia as the 2012 Total Recall film was wiped from my memory.
Pacific Rim: Uprising
Thank God they never made a sequel to the awesome Pacific Rim.
If you were like me and you grew up thinking that giant robots fighting towering kaiju are awesome, you probably liked Guillermo Del Toro’s Pacific Rim. The story may be cheesy, the action and acting over the top but that’s the way it was supposed be. It paid homage to Super Robot battles like Mazinger Z and Voltron. It was also excellent at world building and explaining weird and strange concepts as drifting and the like.
So you would think that a sequel would do much more with the basic concept and rules set in Pacific Rim, right? Nope! They stripped out all the personality and made every character and giant robot feel as generic as possible. Let’s also put them in a world that alienates the fans who loved Pacific Rim since only one person from the original movie returns and is killed off needlessly. While they’re at it, they might as well tone down the grandiose battles to the point where they come off as uninteresting.
I’m still waiting for the sequel to Pacific Rim, Guillermo Del Toro! Because I’m assuming Pacific Rim: Uprising was written out of the official canon.
Game over, man!
I liked Adam Sandler movies. No, really. There was a time when his movies were going to be box office gold when released. Billy Madison. Happy Gilmore. The Wedding Singer. The Water Boy. Little Nicky. Those were movies where you could just relax and have a good laugh at Adam Sandler’s brand of oddball humor. But there was a point where they just sucked!
I also like video games, even the classic ones. Pac-Man. Centipede. Donkey Kong. They may not have any intricate stories or super involved gameplay but they are fun time wasters. So when I heard that Adam Sandler was making a movies that would have a bunch of aliens invading the Earth using video game characters, I was cautiously optimistic. There was no way Adam Sandler would screw something up that should be just pure gold?
This movie is like Thrill Kill in my mind. Yes, they made it… but it was never released.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
How can you mess this up so badly?
Undoubtedly, the most popular X-Men character is Wolverine. He was already cool in the comics with his cigar chomping, brash attitude and awesome claws but the movies definitely made him stand out to even non-comic book fans. Hugh Jackman may have not been the first choice but he was the best choice as he made the role his own. It only made sense that Fox would give Wolverine a solo movie that focused on his origin. I’m betting they regret the decision.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine was supposed to kick off a slew of “origin” movies but Fox stopped at this because, well, the movie was terrible and, frankly, it doesn’t even make sense in the context of the other X-Men movies! Scott Summer being rescued by Logan in the past? When did this supposedly take place again?
But the absolute worst thing they did was how they treated Deadpool. Who the heck thought it was a good idea to sew The Merc with a Mouth’s mouth, give him laser eyes and forearm swords? Thankfully, the real Deadpool killed this misanthrope in Deadpool 2.
I’m guessing that X-Men Origins: Wolverine is out of canon now with Deadpool killing his doppelganger. I mean, Wolverine can’t have a fight with a dead guy, right?
Bonus: The Amazing Spider-Man… 1 & 2!
You know you’re not supposed to acknowledge these two movies because even Sony refuses to acknowledge that they made them after the inked that Marvel Cinematic Universe deal!
Sony wiped out an entire planned Spider-Man “universe” of movies because they knew no self-respecting fan were going to watch anything based on it. So they hit the reboot button with out favorite Wall Crawler and no one ever spoke of the two Amazing Spider-Man movies ever again.
That’s just the way I like it.
Are there movies that you refuse to acknowledge exist? Let me know in the comments section below!